Letting It All Go

As it all comes together and I am gathering everything I need to take with me, it’s hard not to think about the 10 years I was married.
In all the receipts and all the documents lies our life.
Our life as Mr. and Mrs. and even before.

I never felt like he was my soulmate, I never felt like he was “The One” but I did love him.
He was my best friend.
My partner.
We did everything together, we went everywhere together.
Someone to live life with.
He helped me, with the kids, the house, life
I was happy.
To an extent.
Happy in the sense that I wasn’t alone.
I had someone to talk to.
To call when I ran out of gas.
To back me up when the kids wouldn’t listen.
When just me wasn’t enough, he was there.

Yes, something was always missing.
I know I settled.
Maybe that makes it easier.
If this has been easier then I really hate it for the ones that lose their soulmate.
Although, I don’t really believe that’s possible.
Soulmates, The One, those relationships work.
One way or another.

When I talk and I say my ex, it’s still weird.
I think because I never thought I would actually not be married to him.
I thought that he would fight for us, he would change things and he would do whatever he could to keep us an Us.
Maybe he felt that something was missing too.
Maybe I just never pictured myself as divorced.
That’s an ugly word.
It’s weird to say the words but I know it wasn’t fixable.
No matter what he would have done, it wasn’t going to get all better this time.

As the years went on it got stronger.
Do I want to feel like I settled when I’m 40 or do I want to make myself available for the one that I should really have waited for

The decisions we made to end our marriage were the right ones.
He was not who I am meant to be with.
I know that and I know it deep in my heart.
I am content with that.
When you have a life with someone though, the memories are etched deep inside.
They don’t just disappear because you can’t stand each other anymore or because you are now happy with someone else.
The life, the memories are still a part of you.
Especially through your children.
Maybe you can talk and laugh with your ex and reminisce about the memories because you’re friendly or even actual friends.
That doesn’t mean you don’t drift off in thought sometimes and wonder what if, what was I thinking, why did my path go this way?
I’m not saying you regret it, I’m saying you think about it.

These receipts for sports that we signed the kids up for, together.
We watched their first games, together.
Sat in the heat and the cold, together.
Watched them make their first goal or score their first run.
Years of birthday parties and anniversaries, restaurants and movies, each have a memory attached.
Receipts for doctors, I remember the night I had to run to the emergency room the first time; he was there.
Dentist, orthodontists… All memories.
Memories that we have alone, that no one knows about.
I do drift off and I do get teary eyed still.
I think I will always have my memories, I will always cherish my time with him, for the most part.

We aren’t in a good place and I don’t know that we ever will be.
The hurt and the damage that has been done isn’t going to be easy to move past.
I’m told I need to keep the hatefulness and all the damage he’s done in the front of my mind.
Everyone knows what a pushover I am and if I start to forget all the bad, I will definitely get taken advantage of.
I have every intention of finishing this thing and making all the wrongs right for my kids.
When it comes to being strong, I think through this process I have proven to myself that I am just about bullet proof.
I am hurt, I am angry, I am bitter.
I don’t feel bad for feeling that way either.
How could I not feel that way?
On July 3rd I am allowing myself to let all of that go.
Let all the bad memories and the bad thoughts and all the hate go.
Not for him but for me.
I am choosing to only remember the good.
The happy memories, the memories with my children.
The memories that are full of smiles and laughter and friendships and traveling.
The bad is why we are where we are and I don’t want to be here anymore.

-S

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