Forgive and Forget

Forgiving someone is more for you than for them.
To heal and to move forward we must act as if nothing ever happened.
No apology should be needed.
No acknowledgement.
Just act as if it never happened.
We are all that we have.
Let’s not waste time being angry or resentful.

Those are all things that someone I love with all my heart tells me time and time again.
She just told me today.

I agree that forgiving someone releases you of the hurt, pain, anger and bitterness.
I don’t know if I agree that you should just act as though it never happened though.
When you’re angry with someone or someone hurts you; to continue a relationship and never discuss it can be just as painful as the moment they did the hurting or the betraying.
Don’t you deserve to know why they behaved like they did?
Maybe you need to explain why you behaved like you did.
Get it off your chest.
Am I the only one that needs to understand why something happens?
Won’t that help you to not allow it to happen again?
Won’t it give your relationship another foundation of strength and understanding?

I can forgive.
I will forgive.
I can move on and be just like I was before.
I need to talk about it though.
I need to understand why.
I need to explain why.
That’s just me.

We all heal differently.
We all treat situations differently.
Some of us can forgive and forget with no problem.
Some of us prefer revenge, while others believe karma will handle it.
Some of us can’t get over the hurt.
Can’t trust again.
Can’t let it go.

If I tell you that you don’t need to worry about an apology or an explanation or even a brief discussion; if I just tell you to move on…
If that’s not how you heal, if it will stay trapped in your heart.
In your gut.
I’m not giving you good advice.
I’m telling you to continue hurting for the sake of other people.
To put your feelings on the back burner.
To discount your own emotions.

Forgiveness is more for yourself, yes, but only if it will free you from the pain that the need to forgive caused.

If the hurt is so deep that you can never look at the person the same again.
That your relationship will always be strained.
If they refuse to discuss it or they just can’t; maybe it’s best to forgive in your heart but to end the relationship.
Maybe for your sake you need to just accept that things can’t be fixed.
If they can’t do something for you, like talk about it and help you to process it all, maybe they don’t deserve to be a part of your life.
Maybe they can be in your memories and in your heart but not actively in your life.
Maybe when you see them you smile.
When they ask how you’re doing, you say “fine.”

I cherish this lady’s wisdom.
Her opinion is very important to me and I want nothing more than for her years here with us to be happy and memorable.
I love her with all my heart.

But…

When you’re hurt.
When someone hurts you.
I think you should value yourself a little more than to just get over it.
Once. Maybe.
Twice. Ok now you’re pushing it.
But after so long, so much hurt, why?
Just tell me what I did to make you so angry.
Tell me what could have possibly been so bad that it caused all of this for so long.

When I think back over my life, I realize that so much of what I did, how I acted, was to please everyone else.
I always wanted to make everyone else happy.
I was a pleaser.
At my own expense.
Therefore I settled.
It was easier and kept everyone else happy.

I forgive.
I don’t understand what happened though, therefore I’m not over it.
Which means I cannot act like everything is normal.
I can’t just move forward like it never happened.
That’s not how I am.
I’ve learned how my feelings work and how my heart processes things.
I’ve learned that I can’t just “get over it.”
That’s just not me.
The people that want to be in my life will respect that, as I will respect what they need.
Together we will come to a resolution but not longer will I be content with “your way or no way.”

-S

forgive-and-forget

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