Do You Think You Could Help Me Please?

Yesterday was spent like so many days; having to decide which event or activity to attend.
Which one is a priority right now, which one takes precedence?
Seeing as how I can’t be in two or three places at once, this seems to be happening to me more and more.

I am a little annoyed with myself though.

The kids haven’t seen him since February.
They have no desire to right now either, they are all so angry with him.
I don’t blame them.
They deserve a phone call, a text, something.

Anyway, I decided I would ask for help.
I knew the answer and I really didn’t expect anything but it was kind of just out of curiosity.
Would he help?
Maybe he would say “Sure! What time?”
I’m rolling my eyes too…

Actually, had he said yes, it would have been an even bigger issue because none of them would have wanted to go to their event with him…
So I find myself asking, praying he would say yes and say no at the same time.

That happens to me a lot lately as well.
My heart wants him to call them, wants him to show up to something, to ask how they are but at the same time the more time that goes by I find myself dreading it.
They need him.
Right?
I mean I know they need us both.
I know that.
But how much do we allow to go by before we say enough is enough?
Is there even an answer to that?
It makes me mad.
I get angry.
Like really angry.

Then I talk to the one who did leave, who did step back and allow room for her to live her life.
He is sorry.
He has regrets.
Big ones.
Lots of them.
He can’t go back.
Can’t change the past.

One sees it and one doesn’t.
One knows the pain he caused and one has no clue how much pain he is causing.
If only one could talk to the other.
Really.
It’s almost surreal to be seeing it from both ends at the same time.
One cries over what he lost and one is doing it right now.

Proof that we live life forward but understand it backward.

So I asked for help.
We know the answer I got.
They don’t know I asked.
I would never tell them he said no.
Never.
He did though.
Actually, he was going to help but he had stipulations.
Certain kids he would help with and certain distances he would go.
Of course, it wasn’t what was needed.
It’s a no without saying “no.”
I guess that makes him feel better about himself.

I’m thankful for the time with them.
For the chances and the opportunities to do these things with them.
Even if I feel like I’m losing my mind, like my hair is going to fall out, this is time I have with them.
Time can’t be taken away.
Memories are made every time we are together.
Some of us don’t realize the time that is being lost; others realize it but it’s too late.
We can’t go back.
We can only move forward.
Try to make up for lost time.
Make new memories and cherish the time we get together again as the gift that it is.

-S

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