Enough. I hope.

I was working on my boy B’s science fair project. We have been working on it for a few weeks now. Sitting there with him, putting things onto the display board and having conversation with him got me thinking.
Reflecting.

He’s 11. She’s 15 and my little R is 8.
Time is going by fast.
Really fast.
She will be 16 in the blink of an eye.
B will start middle school next year.

My babies are not babies anymore.

I had all of these plans. I knew the kind of mom I wanted to be and the kinds of things I wanted to teach them.
The values and morals that I wanted to instill in their little minds.
I wanted to make every day special and unique.
Full of fun and memories.
I wanted them to think back on their childhoods and smile.

I read something once that said “You know you’re a good mom when you think you’re failing at it.”
I hope that’s true.

Last night after we were done with dinner and projects and homework we laid on the couch to snuggle up for a little while. I hugged each of them a little tighter and a little longer than usual.

This isn’t at all how I envisioned our lives to be. Not even close. Not even in the same ballpark.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry for all of my mistakes, all of my shortcomings. I am so sorry for all the bad decisions that ultimately stole from their happiness.

I’m torn.
Sometimes I feel like we have to put ourselves first and make ourselves and our happiness a priority.
Other times, like last night, I feel like that is selfish. Like I should have worried about my own happiness later. I should have just dealt with it. Pushed through and known I could do something about it after they were grown up.

None of this is their fault but they are the ones that are suffering the most. I know it isn’t because of anything I am doing now. I know it isn’t my fault right now.

Not right now.

Everything is so unknown right now. Court seems like decades away.
I hate to admit it but I do need help. I need him to do his part. There are three of them and he should be helping. Consistently. That isn’t being “all about the money,” it’s called letting those kids have the life they deserve.
Like he is. Like her kids are.

I never thought it would be this hard.
I understand so much more now. I understand why single moms really are superheroes. Dads too.
This is no joke. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. Ever. I had no idea it would be this hard. None.
I respect each of the women and men out there that do all they can to stay above water.
To not drown.

I understand the women that settle and stay just because it’s easier too though. I understand why they do. I don’t know if I agree with it anymore. I am torn. Maybe settle until the kids are older so that they can have what they so desperately deserve. But then they know mom and dad aren’t happy so that might not be the answer either… I really don’t know. I never thought we would be here. I really didn’t. I never thought it would be this hard. This difficult to go on day in and day out not knowing what to expect, not knowing what will happen.

I guess what I am saying is that I won’t ever judge again. We all have a story. We all have made choices because we think it’s best. We don’t know the true consequences of those decisions until after we make them though. When we make the decision and we can finally see the true colors of the people involved.
By then there is no going back.
If you wanted too
I have made some bad ones.
Obviously.
I can’t go back.
I hope he is happy and that he has everything I couldn’t give that he needed. I really do.
I hope that he means it when he says he finally found true love.
I’m not upset or sad about that. Good for them. Really.
I really do hope that what we are going through is worth it for him, for someone. That he has been able to find true happiness.
Right now at this moment it feels like a bad dream to me. A nightmare that I am just waiting to wake up from.
I hurt. I hurt for the pain that all of this has caused my family. I hurt because I thought I could do it. I hurt because I thought I wouldn’t be doing it alone.
I thought and thought but thought wrong.

I don’t know what to do right now. I really don’t. I can’t control anything at this moment. I am at the mercy of time. I have to trust that we will be OK. We will make it through this storm too. God blessed me with kids that are unbelievably strong and smart. They understand that life isn’t easy. I hate that they have had to learn so many hard lessons so young. They will be stronger because of it. I know they will. They know how much I love them. They know they are my world and that I would give my last breath for each of them. I hope that is enough. I hope that makes up for everything else. I hope that not falling apart and keeping it as together as I can is enough.

-S

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