Dig Deep

I get it.
I get why people give up, why they throw in the towel and say they just cannot take anymore.
I totally understand.

The world is full of mean, hateful, selfish people.
Full of them.
To people that give and give and give, second, third and fourth chances it gets overwhelming.
Every person has their own limit.
Each of us have a different level of tolerance.
Very different from the next.
When it rains it pours.
When it starts to pour we have two choices; we can collapse and give up or we can stand firm, strong and face the rain, winds, hail, tornados…. Head on.

Some of us will need to collapse from exhaustion.
That doesn’t mean we aren’t strong enough to stand back up.
Not at all.
It just means we feel every little thing.
We think about it, analyze it.
We can’t ignore the hurt.
We do feel the pressure, the force.

It’s hard. Really hard.
It’s hard to deal day in and day out with things that want nothing more than to break you.
To see you fail.
To watch you crumble.

I sat and thought the other day. I just thought and wrote and prayed and thought some more.
I made some big mistakes. Big ones.
Ones I haven’t really owned up too yet I don’t think.
No, I know I haven’t.
I am a lot more at fault than I have let on.
Even to myself.
I can’t change the things I screwed up.
There is no point in crying over spilled milk.
I do have to forgive myself though.
I haven’t yet.
Not even close.
I can admit to my part though now, finally.
It might have been over but I sealed the deal.
Jumped the gun.
The grass isn’t always greener.
Not even close.

I have been through some painful things but to force yourself to go back to the hardest, darkest, most painful moments of your life…
That’s painful.
So very painful.

It has to be done though.
Unfortunately we need to go back to those moments, to think about them and to leave each moment again, knowing you forgive yourself for your mistakes.
Some of mine seemed like a good idea at the time, a memory worth keeping.
As time goes on we are able to look back and see much clearer.

I don’t listen well.
Any of my friends will tell you that and as annoying as it is, it’s true.
I know it is.
I do not listen.
My longest friend called it, she called all of it.
She knew but did I listen?

I thought the grass would be greener.
I still believe it will be.
One day.
Not the same kind of green but green nonetheless.
Right now though, I wish I had listened.




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