Little Pieces

Love. Real love.
Do the feelings ever really go away?
They take a piece of our hearts and we know we don’t ever really get it back.
They steal our hearts.
A tiny piece of us stays theirs.
I think forever.

I think anyone we ever fall in love with keeps a part of us.
It might be tiny, it might be huge.
A part of us with them, a part of them with us.
Forever.

I don’t know if I believe in the someone out there for everyone thing…
I guess a part of me does.

I know people that have fallen in love more than once.
Maybe there is love in different stages of our life?
The high school crush, your first love.
Then we move on to find adult love.
Some of us are lucky enough to have the same person the whole time.
Some of us aren’t.
Some move on to find love after the loss of a spouse or partner.
Given a second chance at love.
Some of us realize we didn’t really love our high school sweetheart like we thought and we move on to find true love as an adult.
Some of us have never really experienced true love.

Real love.
Your soul mate.
Your best friend.
Someone you don’t want to live without.
You can’t imagine your life without them.

I just had this talk with my daughter and one of her best friends.
We talked about how much she (her friend) is like me.
She’s in love.
She knows he has a piece of her heart.
She knows she won’t ever get it back.
I don’t know if that’s ok or not…

I have been so afraid to love again that I have built a wall.
I don’t want to get hurt again.
I have so many little bits of my heart all over the place and I don’t think I can stand to lose anymore.

That doesn’t mean I want to be alone forever.
It means I know where my heart is.
I do.
I know where every piece is and I know where it would be whole again.
I know what I am missing.
I’ve always known.

That doesn’t mean I know what to do with that knowledge though…

My first love was crazy.
Intense.
Butterflies and swirly whirlies non-stop.
Love and hate. Laughter and tears.
So much growing up and learning.
So many lessons learned.

The next time I fell in love was so different.
There was trust.
There was life.
Real life.
Kids.
Vacations and bills.
Failures.
He was my partner.
My life partner.
A promise was made to never leave the other.
Never let go.
Never stop trying.
When a promise is broken so is your love.

There has only been one other time.
That was a mixture of the two for me.
Real life and butterflies.
Goals and dreams.
A partnership.
I thought that was it.
I had found it.
Maybe I had but I wasn’t ready for it.
Not at all.

I believe if something is meant to work out, it will.
One way or another it will work out.
I believe that no matter how much time passes and no matter what works against you, the people that are meant to be in your life will be there.
I believe in forgiving.
Not necessarily forgetting but definitely forgiving.
Forgiving is just as much for you as for them.
Maybe more so.
For now, I’m OK waiting things out.
Seeing what happens.
I’m not trying and I’m not looking.
I know where the pieces of my heart are.
I have lived enough to know what I need.
I know what it should feel like and I know what it should look like.
I’m holding out for some of that.
The good stuff.
Whirly swirly tummy stuff.

-S

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