A Little Goal I’m Working On…

I’ve settled so much in my life.
It got me thinking… Why?
Why do we settle?
Why have I settled?

I settled for a job I don’t like.
It doesn’t make me happy or help me to feel fulfilled in any way.
The people are rude, arrogant and disrespectful.
The pay isn’t worth what I put up with.
So why?

I settled with love.
I settled with my health and fitness.
I settle for less.
Less than I deserve.
Why?

Why do I always put myself last?
Is there a reason?

I was told to write this phrase “Me first, my kids second.”
I wanted to cry.
I can’t do that.
I can’t put me first…
Can I?

I settle because I worry about what people think.
I settle because I worry about the aftermath.
I settle because I want everyone else to be happy.
I settle because I just needed a job. Any job.

So many reasons.
Or excuses?
I’m not sure…

I know what love feels like.
I know what it felt like to be in love.
When it didn’t feel just like that, why did I justify it in my head?
Why did I try to talk myself into feeling like something was OK when my heart said it wasn’t?
To save face?
Where has that gotten me?
In a mess, that’s where.

I’m sure there is some diagnosis we can try to figure out about why I don’t put myself first.
Maybe there is some deep rooted issue that I have.
Who knows.
Maybe I was so selfish when I was a teenager that I subconsciously can’t put myself first now?

I have no idea.

But for whatever reason I settle for way less than I deserve.
I know that.
So I am trying to do something about it.
I am working on doing something about it.

I’m supposed to say that if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing. That all of my struggles and lessons have made me a stronger person and that I needed to go through all of that to get to where I am right now.
That’s what I’m supposed to say.
But really… If I could go back in time I would change so much.
So much.
I would have been nicer to my parents.
I would have been a better big sister.
I would have spent more time with my Grandpa.
I would have held onto the one that stole my heart.
I would have never stopped dancing.
I would have hung on as tightly as I could.
I would have fought for my dream job.
I wouldn’t have just walked away.
I would have fought for it.
I would have listened to my heart and then when I heard what it had to say, I wouldn’t have been afraid to follow it.
I would have followed my heart fearlessly.
That’s what I would have changed.
Plus a few other things honestly…

Each day is a new beginning.
A new start.
I have three people depending on me so my follow your heart business can’t be as exciting as it sounds anymore but it’s still my goal.
To follow my heart.
It’s kind of whispering to me right now…
Whispering where it wants to be.
My head has that whisper under control for right now but I know myself and I know where my heart is going.
I don’t know if that’s good or bad yet but I know I have every intention of finding out.

No more settling.
It’s a work in progress but I am done settling.
I deserve so much and I intend on getting it.

-S

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