Another Funk

I was really upset yesterday. I let him get to me.
I let all the things that I work so hard to let go of knock me down again.
It wasn’t as bad as before.
It was just a temporary set back but it was a set back nonetheless.
It frustrates me.
It frustrates me when I let him get to me.
When I let the stress of everything knock me back.
I know it’s going too.
I know it’s bound to happen sometimes.
It’s just annoying to me.
It annoys me that I get down.
That I get sad.
I slip into a funk.
It’s other stuff too, he doesn’t get all the credit but he gets most of it.
A day of back and forth with him is exhausting.
It drains me of all my energy.
Literally.
I worry about everything from the kids to our court date.
Time cannot move fast enough.
I cannot wait to be done with all of it.
Two years is way too long to have to deal with this.
It still amazes me how he has become.
The things he doesn’t do.
Amazing.
It’s unbelievable to me that I really thought I was getting better than I ever had…

After a long, exhausting day of dealing with him I had a dinner last night.
A repeat of last week.
Part of me just wanted to go home and crawl in bed with my babies.
Squeeze them and hug them and make sure they knew how much I loved them.
I needed to go though, this new chapter of our lives is an important one and I needed to go.
I laughed so hard my tummy hurt.
I had so much fun.
My heart was full watching them talk.
Having conversations about life.
Things she wanted to share.
Things she wanted input on from someone other than me.
It just felt right.
I don’t know how to explain it at all.
I don’t worry around him.
I don’t worry about her getting hurt.
I don’t stress.
It’s fun and real and good.
So much was on my mind yesterday.
I was annoyed by a lot. It was just one of those days.
Sitting at dinner though brought me back to the center.
I don’t know why.
I don’t care why.
It’s almost like one foot in the past and one in the future but my body is in the now.
I can reflect on the past, the good and the bad.
I can forgive myself for anything I did or didn’t do.
Make up for the things that were lost.
Moving forward the right way with them.
It’s all new to all of us so who knows what the next step is but I’m not worried.

He doesn’t deserve my energy.
He doesn’t deserve to knock me down.
To steal my happiness.
He was never the one.
Never.
I think I hoped he was.
I hoped so, but honestly I was just afraid to be alone.
Afraid to be the girl with two kids, two dads and single still.
I didn’t want to be her.
I didn’t want to do it all alone.
I am now anyway though and it’s not that bad.

I won’t lie.
I am in a funk at the moment.
I don’t feel happy and bouncy bubbly like I usually do.
I’m kind of sad.
Divorce is very stressful.
I’m thankful for amazing, understanding friends in my life.
Friends that keep me busy and think of me all the time.
I know I will get past it, I know it’s just a funk and it won’t last long.
I won’t let it.

I read another blog and he talks about how he is starting to feel better now.
It has been a year since his divorce was final.
Maybe I just need the final paper signed to really get to a point where he doesn’t bug me.
Doesn’t get under my skin.
I don’t know.
I never thought I would dislike someone I was so close too this much.
Never.
But I do.

Funks are not fun but I think they are necessary.
They make you dig deep and deal with the feelings.
Find out what is causing the pain.
If not it just affects everything else.
I have definitely learned that you have to completely finish what you start before moving on.
Completely.

-S

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