Sadness, resentment, confusion and anger weighed me down. It felt like a sack of potatoes sitting on each shoulder. I didn’t even realize how heavy of a burden I was carrying. Not always. The need to be loyal to my new life important so just a quick drift off in thought.
It was the one thing that could bring me to my knees. When he wanted to get to me fast he knew that was the way. So many unanswered questions, so much self-doubt. Hurt. Betrayal.
Not just for me. That makes it harder, worse.
It’s hard to explain. You move forward but part of you is stuck. I think you just learn to accept that you may never know. When it’s thrown at you though, it literally brings you to tears. I could push it deep down, not think about it unless I wanted too, but I was still so hurt by all of it. Like a piece of me was missing and I wasn’t ever going to find it. So you do the best you can. I filled in the missing pieces with what I could.
I have answers now. I am getting them. The big questions are answered. I don’t like them. They don’t make me happy and I don’t agree with them but they are what they are. I am mature enough and old enough now to know that you can’t change people or the way they handle things.
I could get mad and fight about it, but why? I know they meant well. It wasn’t handled how I would have, but it wasn’t me. I can only control me. I don’t know how much longer I have with them and this is already going to be hard enough. After all they did, after all of that, the outcome isn’t what they hoped for.
That’s enough to deal with.
The weight feels somewhat lifted. It’s funny, the struggles that I have been facing this past year seem a little more bearable now. Already. It had nothing to do with him but everything to do with him all at the same time. I should have completely closed out that chapter of my life before starting the next. There was no way it was going to work. I know that now. I wasn’t alone in the downfall of my marriage and family; I can’t put all of that on myself but I definitely needed the answers I have been getting the past few weeks. Closure.
I don’t know what comes next, what will come of any of it, what will happen, but a lot of healing has been taking place. For that alone, right now, I am forever thankful.
The conversation last night was full of I’m sorry’s and what could have been’s… The answer we came up with? Time can’t be revisited but it can be made up for. There’s no sense in beating ourselves up over things we can’t change but we can promise to do better from this point on. So we will.