The Towel Rack

I’m an analyzer. I play every little thing out in my head.
I worry about every little detail. I wonder if I could have done something differently or if I handled it wrong. What would the outcome be if I would have handled it different.
I worry about what people think. If they got mad. If they thought I was crazy or if they miss me. Do they think about it too?
I think about things after the fact. Think about things I should have said or things I wish I would have said differently. Did I say everything I needed too or did I say too much.
With me it’s usually the latter… I don’t know when to stop talking.
I’ve always been like that.
Over the past year I have really focused on not worrying about that stuff.
Focused on just making sure my kids and I are happy.
OK.
Content.

I still worry about it. I think it’s just part of who I am.
I probably always will.

Just this morning I realized I have definitely gotten better though.
A post was made, it could have been about me if I had actually done what the post said.
I hadn’t.
Kind of surprising if you know me but thank God I hadn’t
Mutual friends don’t know that though…. They could have very easily thought I know that was S. The old me would have freaked out thinking about it.
I wouldn’t want them thinking it was! That would be terrible!
I’m rolling my eyes at myself right now…

A friend asked me about it. I told them no. That was that. I didn’t think about it anymore until I started thinking about what to write today.
Then it dawned on me… You ARE making progress! It might not seem like a huge deal but it is. For me, it is.

I have been in a funk. I felt myself getting sad again. Thinking about how hard life is.

This week I have been so busy and I finally get home ready to rest and the towel rack falls off the wall.
One more thing to worry about, one more thing I have to learn how to do. It’s just so hard.
That of course also got me thinking about the rest of my life and how if things were different I wouldn’t even be worrying about the towel rack, he would have fixed it.
I realize now though that I would much rather ask for help or Google how to fix it than deal with what would have been involved if he were still there to “save the day.”
My baby would have gotten in trouble for pulling the towel too hard and he would have cried and then there would have been huffing and puffing about how we won’t have anything nice until the kids are gone. I would have gotten upset that he was talking like that and then we would have argued about how they won’t be here much longer and we will miss them when they’re gone… A lot of grief over a towel rack. A towel rack.

For so long that was my life. Little things always being turned into big things. Stressing out for next to no reason.
When I feel myself slipping into a funk I try to focus on that. The fact that I am in control of me and my emotions. I don’t have to worry about the small stuff if I choose not too. I have happy kids. Happy kids that pull the towel rack off the wall and put chap stick in the dryer with my favorite pair of jeans.

So this all gave me a chance to reflect, to think about the past and how I was. How I have changed, continue to change, grow.
Instead of dwelling on all the things that could go wrong I am choosing to focus on what can go right. A chance to snap out of my funk.

I am living my life for me and my kids. I have great friends and family. Everything else is what it is. Too many years were spent making sure I was liked. Making sure I didn’t forget anyone even though I was regularly forgotten. That was the old S, the new S doesn’t care. The people I love, know I love them. Putting forth the effort to include them in our daily life isn’t a chore or something that I need to remember to do. I just do it and they do too and that is exactly how it should be.

The towel rack and the possible posting were both small details in the grand scheme of my life but they gave me the opportunity to realize that my funk was not worth it.
Things get me down, tie my tummy all up in knots. Sometimes I feel stuck. Then I stop, breathe and think and I realize that I have really come a long way. A long way.
We’re allowed to have those moments, those funks, we just can’t camp out there.

-S

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