It’s Getting Real

Tomorrow night is a big deal for us. Tomorrow night has been a long time coming.

One of the reasons for starting this blog was to make myself completely transparent in hopes that it would help other people. Help people to see that we all go through struggles and hard times. We aren’t alone. We just can’t give up. We have to keep going. Everything is happening just as it should. We all have a greater purpose.
Obviously our actions affect things. The people around us and the influences in our lives affect things. But I truly believe that when something is meant to be, really meant to be, it will work out.
One day, someday, somehow. It will. We can fight it and fight it all we want, things turn out how God wants them too.
With that being said this one isn’t easy, but I feel in my heart it’s necessary.
I have followers on this blog that I don’t know.
People I have never met. I know there are readers that I don’t even know about. I pray that this touches someone and helps heal them. If I didn’t believe that it would, I most definitely would not be writing this one…

I have a 15 year old daughter. Almost 16. I’m 33. You can figure out that I had her at 17. I got pregnant at 16.

I was not a good teenager. I did a lot of things that I shouldn’t have. I know we all do but I was VERY hard for my parents to handle. I did what I wanted regardless of who it hurt. I spent a lot of time fighting with mom and dad. I was mean. I said and did lots of hurtful things.
I was sad a lot. Very depressed. I never knew why. They gave me everything I needed and provided for me more than I deserved. I was able to do what I loved, I danced and cheered.
I made loving me very hard for anyone that did so.
On the surface I looked happy. I hid a lot. I wasn’t the wear all black and walk around with headphones in teenager. I was the all smiles, bubbly, happy, giddy but depressed, sad teenager.
Over the years I have tried to figure it all out.
Blame it on relationships with certain family members or maybe I did it for attention. I have decided that it doesn’t really matter. Whatever the reasons were behind my issues can’t be changed at this point so it is what it is.
Moving on.

I acted out in a lot of ways but when I found out I was pregnant it all stopped. I was scared. To death.

My parents didn’t care for my boyfriend. He was a little older than me and they didn’t agree with his life. His goals, dreams, his family. It was a clash from the start.

I had two choices: him or them.

It didn’t start that way. They tried, he tried. He loved me. I know he did. When negative feelings are there though, they eventually surface. When they surface it usually isn’t pretty. This was no exception.

I woke up from a nap to a very upset bunch of women. There was a phone call. A phone call that would change the course of my life and my baby’s life.

Words were exchanged. I don’t remember the details. It doesn’t matter really. He and I had nothing to do with that call but we were no longer supposed to speak. I was a minor. I lived in my parents home and I was scared. From that point on I did what I was told. I followed their directions and I obeyed their rules.

My only thought was protect my baby, protect my baby. In my heart I was never really afraid for her. I was young and stupid though so maybe I should have been? In all honesty if that boy would have said lets run away to the moon I would have gone. But he wasn’t a minor, I was, there were laws and rules and it was best if we followed them.

He wasn’t there when she was born. He didn’t help pick out her name. My mom did Lamaze with me. My heart was broken. For her, for me. It was a legal mess. My parents meant well. I had to think with my head and not my heart. I knew that. So I did what I was told and he did what he was told. We never discussed it.

There was a lot of in and out, in and out. He had another baby and eventually got married. We did some more in and out for awhile. I found someone and I had another baby. More in and out. More outside chatter.

I don’t think anyone knew how to handle the situation. There was a lot of selfishness. A lot. More than I realized at the time. I was jealous of his new wife and their life. Why didn’t he want that with us? What was so great about her?
The same feelings I have dealt with over the past year. This is another example of how not dealing with things always catches up to you. You can’t start something new without finishing the old…

While he was busy with his new life I got busy with mine. He ended up having more children and I did too. My daughter grew very close to my husband. They had a very strong relationship. I wrote about it in It Was Inevitable Really.
He wanted to adopt her. Make our family complete. I loved the idea. I thought my marriage was forever. I wasn’t worried about him not being there for her. That was his choice to make and I fell more in love with him for it. It’s his last name that she has now.

My marriage did end. My worst fears came true. Fears I didn’t even allow myself to consider came to be reality. His relationship with my daughter is practically nonexistent.

Through all of this I never hid anything from my baby girl. She knew everything. She knows why and who and what. She knows the truth, my side. I always told her when and if she wanted to hear the rest of the story to fill in the gaps of her life I would support her. Part of me thought she would never care, never ask. She was happy. She was fulfilled. She wasn’t lacking love or anything else.
Now she is.
She feels rejected and neglected. Twice. All the good I thought I was doing was all wrong. I thought I was giving her what she was missing. I thought it was best. I can’t even begin to explain how sad I am for her. For all of my kids honestly but for her, wow. I ache. Deep inside. She is beautiful and loving and caring. Kind. Sweet. She brings me so much happiness. Yes, she’s a teenager, my teenager so we have our rough times but she is a blessing. My angel. She saved my life. Literally. I don’t know how anyone could walk away from her. I really have no idea. But he did. I gave him the chance to hurt her.

I know I can’t take all of the blame. I can’t blame myself for all of it but I do.
Right now I do.

She reached out to her biological father. He reached out to me. Tomorrow night they meet again. For the first time in 12 years they will see each other. My feelings and my emotions are a jumbled up mess. I pray with all that I have that he can be for her what she needs right now.
Over the years I have always seen him in her. I have wondered what happened. Why did things end up like they did? At what point exactly did the turn take place?
She has his feet. We shoe shop and I giggle inside. Her hands are his. He has always been a part of her. I have always talked about him and memories we share. Never a negative word, just that we were young and listened to everyone around us.
I fought and did what I felt was best. I followed the directions and the guidance of people that love me. The course of her life and mine for that matter were changed. I don’t know how I would react if my daughter came home pregnant at 16. I really don’t. The way it was all handled can’t be changed. Maybe it took the two of us living the lives we have to realize we both made a mistake with her.
I can go on and on and on and try to make sense of it all. Why though? Thing are turning out how they are supposed too.
I love her with all I have and I will be right here no matter what happens. She knows that.
She needs to know what happened.
While she is learning, he and I are also. So much clarity, so many answers.
I am learning that true healing begins with the past.


Roundabout traffic sign


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