Party of 7

How many in your party?

7

An odd number cause S is alone…

So strange.
From one year to the next.
There are events, things that take place every year that allow you to reflect on the changes.

Last year it was party of 6.
The check was for 2, 3 times.
This year party of 7.
Check was for 1 and 3 sets of 2.
An empty seat next to me.
A place for my purse.

I thought it would be really awkward.
I thought I would be upset.
Feel left out or out of place.

If I’m honest, there were moments that I felt a little broken.
When I thought about why I felt that way though, it wasn’t at all for the reasons I was expecting.

I thought I had found my place. My new place.
I thought that was where the rest of my life would be spent. I really, sincerely did.
I’m not sure why I thought that because now I know I was the only one that thought it…
Crazy? Maybe.
I know now that it was just too soon. Too new.
My heart was raw. It wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready.
At all.
It was a place that I felt safe. I felt secure. I felt special and loved and comfortable. It felt like home.
It just worked in so many ways.

Looking back though, reflecting, in so many ways it just didn’t work.

I value what I had. I cherish it, treasure it.
The friendship is one of the most valuable things I have ever had.
For so many reasons. So many memories.
So much growing and learning.
Even the bad times, the craziness taught me things I may have never learned any other way.
Hard, tough love.

Finding my place in the group again and finding my place in life, that’s what I’m working on.

Party of 7.

Strangely enough, that part doesn’t bother me like I thought it would.

I would rather be the 7th in a group full of people that enhance my life than a 6th or an 8th where I feel dead or insignificant.

I am perfectly happy paying my own bill.
Alone on a check.
Buying my own margaritas.
That’s fine with me.

I’m learning my place.
Learning who belongs in my life and how they belong there.
Where do I want them and what part do they get to play?
I always say that we have no idea what the future holds and we don’t.
If something is meant to be, it will be.
The truth always comes out and fate always wins.
Now, later, in 15 years…

Part of growing up is realizing that loving someone means letting them be happy.
Whether you are a part of that happiness or not.
Whether you are in their life or not, wanting them to be happy and seeing them happy makes you happy.
Stepping back and allowing them to live their life how they see best isn’t always easy, but very necessary.
That goes for love, friendship, family, everything.
Accepting that you not being there may be best for them and their life.
That’s OK. Painful. But OK.

My moments of feeling broken weren’t from loneliness.
They were from the realization that for so long I was so sad and so depressed and so lonely and I was OK with that.
I was OK with it because I wasn’t literally alone.
I had someone standing next to me.
I never realized that I could be alone, literally, but feel more happiness and more love than when I was attached to another person.
I was sad because I realized that I never let me be happy.
I stopped myself from having true happiness.
I let other people play God with my future.
I’ve known this for a little while now, but it hit me this weekend.
Maybe it was all of the events that led up to my weekend.

I don’t know.
This past week has changed me.
I can see clearer.
So much confusion was finally worked out.
A 15 year rubiks cube.
Finally all the colors are where they belong.
Finally.

Certain moments have a way of slapping you in the face. A whole handful of truth.

Just last year at this time I thought I was happy.
I thought I had everything I needed, everything I wanted, but in reality I was so broken.
So, so broken.
Looking for someone else to put me back together.

Walking in the water with the three most important people in the world to me was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

In that moment I realized I truly am OK.
I have great friends.
I might still be learning my new place with some of them but they are still amazing friends.
15 years of friendship was sitting up on that beach.
Friends that have become family.
Sisters by choice.
No matter who comes in and out of that group I know I am always welcome there.
I belong there.
In my heart I know that.
My kids love me with every little bit of their hearts.
I am so full of flaws and they still love me.
They always have and they always will.
Those people, all of them have stood right there while I figure life out.
Never really leaving me.
I will never be able to explain to them how much that means to me.

I want someone, a partner in this life.
I do. Just not now.
I’m not ready.

Party of 7?
That’s fine with me.

-S

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