But I Might Break My Foot

When you’ve had your heartbroken a gazillion and one times it’s hard not to be defensive.
Difficult not to doubt when something is a little weird, that you’re not being lied too.

It’s hard.

You’re supposed to not bring old baggage into a new relationship but how realistically is that possible?

Your past and your experiences are what determine (most of the time) how you react and feel about certain things.

If I walk down the same street everyday and there’s a hole in the ground, I stay clear so I don’t trip and break my foot.

Why would the next day be any different than the past?

Maybe they came and fixed it, but I won’t know that until I allow myself to walk that path again and see for myself.

Obviously we can change that.

We can allow ourselves to hope the hole has been fixed.
We can take the risk of walking that same path again.
Hoping the hole is gone.
We can be cautious.
Step carefully.

It isn’t easy though.

You’re supposed to give him a chance.
You do.
He breaks your heart.

First thought?
I knew it.

So the next chance you decide to give, you’re even more guarded.

I kinda feel like it’s inevitable.

Weird things happen and maybe they just really are weird.
Maybe things really are just odd.
Someone can be telling the truth about something hard to believe.
The question is, do you believe it?
Should you?

When do you let your guard down?
Trust.
Fall.
100%

At what point do you say this isn’t a game, this is my heart?
I am giving him my heart and I trust he won’t break it?

It scares me.
I’m inclined right now to feel like it always will.
Like my guard will always stay up.

Looking back, there are a few (tiny few) instances where I wish I would’ve just let myself go.
Let myself feel the love and not focus on the bad or the past.
But I didn’t.
I analyzed it and I let the negative overcome the positive.

Obviously I lost that love.
He didn’t really break my heart, I did.

I’m at fault for being so damaged and bringing the dirty, unwanted baggage into that relationship.

I think we all do that though.

Until we are finally over and done with what we went through.

Not forgotten it, dealt with it.

Until we finally have worked through all of it.
Dealt with it all.
Made ourselves think about every little, tiny, ugly detail.

Then we can move on.
Not a moment sooner.

Relationships should enhance you.
Not drain you.
They should make you a better person.
Both of you.

I’m scared.
Scared of him hurting me.
Scared of me hurting me.
Scared of my kids getting hurt.
So much is at risk.
So much.
If we don’t take risks though, how will we ever know?
We won’t.

That’s worse.

I’m starting to think that until you’re given a reason to doubt, don’t.
We aren’t always given second chances.
Life is full of the unknown.

We walk.
Often times the same path just with different people at different stages in our life.
We know the way, holes, cracks, forks in the road where decisions need to be made; I think we just have to be aware.
Be aware of our surroundings and everything going on, but we still need to go.

We need to feel.
We need to be open.
No one knows what the outcome will be.

If we don’t go for it though…

Maybe things are weird, maybe they don’t seem likely.
But maybe they’re true.
Real.
Don’t be naive, but don’t make it more than it really is either.

Trust yourself.

You know what’s right.

-S

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