“I don’t think you’re over it.”
“Do you ever get over it?”
This was my conversation with a friend.
It made me think. All those talks make me think.
I sat down last night and just wrote.
With a pen and paper in my journal.
Sometimes I need to do that…
I’m over him.
I’m not over my life being turned upside down.
I’m not over my kids hearts being broken.
I wasn’t happy. He wasn’t happy.
I begged him for so long.
I deserve better than that. I know that now.
We made a choice to move on.
My heart hurt when he settled down so fast.
All true statements.
It happened though. It’s done.
There is no going back.
And if there was, him leaving wouldn’t be one of the things I would change.
There are days where I play it all out in my mind and I realize now that it was inevitable.
It was going to happen.
I don’t think it would have been any easier if it happened any sooner or any later.
It happened when it was going to happen.
Everything I did involved the five of us.
So yes, I think a lot about that.
I think about everything my kids are missing.
I worry about them. All the time.
But I have come to terms with the fact that they will always be missing something.
Even if that got better, there is still so much that was lost.
That is missing.
When I grocery shop I am reminded.
When I sign forms and they ask for parent signatures.
When I discipline. Do laundry. Cook meals.
I lived my life one way for 13 years.
How could I not think about it?
I haven’t allowed anyone else to come in to make things any different.
To add that 5th and 6th person or just that 5th person.
Whatever the case may be, I haven’t done that yet, not the way it should be done.
When I do; I believe I will think about the missing pieces less.
I think about it less and less already.
But I do think about it.
I still get sad for what was lost.
When I break it all down though, it isn’t the loss of him.
It’s the loss of my life. The way of life.
I wasn’t happy but I was.
I said “I do” and I meant it.
I fought for us. I fought hard.
I know now that my love is worth fighting for.
He didn’t fight.
I don’t think you ever get over it.
I think you move on and things are different.
Voids are filled.
I believe when things are right I will be happier than I have ever been before. Because I deserve that.
My kids deserve that.