My Formal Declaration Of Doneness.

I still sink on the inside when you tell me no.
I still feel a hole. A pain. An ache deep inside.
Your name pops up on my phone and I instantly feel that pang.
I know it’s going to be a disappointment. Again. For one of us.

I don’t feel it for myself anymore though.
Those pains in my heart are not for me.
I don’t feel it for me.

I feel it for the kids.

Our kids.

I don’t understand. I guess I don’t get too.

In my heart I ache so bad for them.
They love you so much.
They miss you so much.

You don’t even really know them anymore.

I knew things would be bad for you and I.
I understand that. I get that. But not our kids.
I thought you would always put them first.
Make them a priority.

I was so wrong.

That’s part of the aching. The knowing just how wrong I was.
I don’t think you deceived me. I don’t think you do it on purpose.
I think you just don’t know any better.

You never have.

You depend on her now. She isn’t me. She has her own kids. Her own needs.
Her own wants with you. That doesn’t involve your past. Your kids. Me.

In my mind I know it’s your loss.
In my heart I know it’s theirs.

I don’t want to replace you. I have never wanted to replace you. You are you.
You are a special part of us.
All of us.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I still don’t.

For some reason you don’t get it. You aren’t able to face anything. At least not with your past.
You have never been able too. That was a big part of the problem.
You are the man, the father but I did all of the protecting. All of the talking. All of the caring.
All of the dealing. The facing.
It was never you.

I wish I could make you understand how much damage you are doing. How bad they hurt.
How sad they are. I wish I could ask you what his best friends name is. Her boyfriend. What our baby has in math. Just so you could see how much you don’t know anymore. How much you are missing. I don’t want you to miss anything. Nothing. I want to make sure you know everything. That you have every opportunity to be there. To hear them. To see them.

I can’t make you though. I can’t make you care.
I can’t make you answer me or ask questions.

I finally realize that now. I finally realize you were never who I made you out to be.

I hurt. You hurt.
I get it. That has nothing to do with anything anymore. Nothing.
Now the only ones getting hurt are the only ones that are innocent.

I am so sorry. I am. It all stinks. It all hurts. I have tried. I have given it every last amount of energy that I have in me some days. I have cried my last tear. You have shown over and over again that you are not worthy of any of our tears. We all deserve better. It isn’t just me or just them. All of us deserve more. At the very least they deserve you to be there when you should be. They deserve to be able to count on you.

They can’t. They don’t. At all.

The disappointments and the sadness far outweigh the smiles.

I am so sorry. I am. I never meant to hurt you.
I wanted you in our past, present and future. Somehow.
It ends now though. This is my declaration.
I am speaking it to life. I am done.

-S

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5 thoughts on “My Formal Declaration Of Doneness.

  1. S — My heart breaks reading this. Not only because of what you are going through, but because I know all too well the heartbreak that we feel for our kids. My E is going through the same, exact thing, and I want NOTHING more to run up to him and strangle him, shake him, to see what he is missing out on! His “other half” sounds like this other half, and it drives me mad. Who are they to sweep in and replace our kids?! Who are they not to even bat an eye and take into consideration what our kids are going through, and try to *at least* include them in the new life. It’s not fair. It’s just. Not. Fair.

    This is my first time commenting, but I wanted to let you know how very proud I am of you for baring your soul and sharing your tears (good and bad!), triumphs, and sadness. I wish I could have half the guts as you. I know it has to be such a release for your soul!

    Love you sweet friend!!

    1. K – Exactly. And I am so sorry that your E is going through the same thing. It is awful. I can’t put full blame on his “other half” because I don’t know her well enough; but as a mom I would like to think if rolls were reversed I would NOT put up with it. It isn’t fair. I am happy her kids are growing up with all they need but at the expense of mine? That stinks. Bad.

      Thank you so much for your support. It isn’t always easy and sometimes I find myself wondering if people will get upset or take things the wrong way; but this is me. Real and raw! Take me or leave me. It is so therapeutic and so rewarding to hear from women that feel the same way or are feeling alone and realizing *finally* that they are not.

      I love you too friend. Thank you so much!

      1. Yes…definitely not placing the full blame on the other half…but just like you said…just by *being* a mom, I couldn’t/wouldn’t put up with it either.

        Keep on keepin’ on, girl! I love watching you blossom! ❤ And truer words have never been spoken…*finally* realizing I'm not alone in this battle…and other battles that I struggle with, I am NOT alone!

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