I still sink on the inside when you tell me no.
I still feel a hole. A pain. An ache deep inside.
Your name pops up on my phone and I instantly feel that pang.
I know it’s going to be a disappointment. Again. For one of us.
I don’t feel it for myself anymore though.
Those pains in my heart are not for me.
I don’t feel it for me.
I feel it for the kids.
I don’t understand. I guess I don’t get too.
In my heart I ache so bad for them.
They love you so much.
They miss you so much.
You don’t even really know them anymore.
I knew things would be bad for you and I.
I understand that. I get that. But not our kids.
I thought you would always put them first.
Make them a priority.
I was so wrong.
That’s part of the aching. The knowing just how wrong I was.
I don’t think you deceived me. I don’t think you do it on purpose.
I think you just don’t know any better.
You never have.
You depend on her now. She isn’t me. She has her own kids. Her own needs.
Her own wants with you. That doesn’t involve your past. Your kids. Me.
In my mind I know it’s your loss.
In my heart I know it’s theirs.
I don’t want to replace you. I have never wanted to replace you. You are you.
You are a special part of us.
All of us.
I never wanted to hurt you.
I still don’t.
For some reason you don’t get it. You aren’t able to face anything. At least not with your past.
You have never been able too. That was a big part of the problem.
You are the man, the father but I did all of the protecting. All of the talking. All of the caring.
All of the dealing. The facing.
It was never you.
I wish I could make you understand how much damage you are doing. How bad they hurt.
How sad they are. I wish I could ask you what his best friends name is. Her boyfriend. What our baby has in math. Just so you could see how much you don’t know anymore. How much you are missing. I don’t want you to miss anything. Nothing. I want to make sure you know everything. That you have every opportunity to be there. To hear them. To see them.
I can’t make you though. I can’t make you care.
I can’t make you answer me or ask questions.
I finally realize that now. I finally realize you were never who I made you out to be.
I hurt. You hurt.
I get it. That has nothing to do with anything anymore. Nothing.
Now the only ones getting hurt are the only ones that are innocent.
I am so sorry. I am. It all stinks. It all hurts. I have tried. I have given it every last amount of energy that I have in me some days. I have cried my last tear. You have shown over and over again that you are not worthy of any of our tears. We all deserve better. It isn’t just me or just them. All of us deserve more. At the very least they deserve you to be there when you should be. They deserve to be able to count on you.
They can’t. They don’t. At all.
The disappointments and the sadness far outweigh the smiles.
I am so sorry. I am. I never meant to hurt you.
I wanted you in our past, present and future. Somehow.
It ends now though. This is my declaration.
I am speaking it to life. I am done.