Just Because It Happened Doesn’t Mean It’s Over

I’m in a weird place in my life.

I’m 33. I’m building a business. I’m a mom. I’m single.

I am all of those things. I know that. I don’t know what they mean together though or what they should look like all together. Combined.

I know what kind of mom I want to be. I know what I want my business to look like.

My business is a company where Faith and Family is huge. Integrity, high values and morals are one of, if not the most important thing.

I am single. I go out. I have a few drinks with friends. I have fun. Is that hypocritical?

I have never really had this time.
This time to just hang out when I don’t have the kids. To go out with friends. To go on dates. To do what I want to do.

Tonight my life feels like oil and water. Things aren’t mixing well.

They stay separated.

I don’t want to sound selfish or conceited or fake. I am not any of those things. At all. Far from them. But my image is important to me. For my kids. My business. My family. I don’t want to portray myself as something I’m not. I don’t want to appear to be something that I am not.

It’s really bothering me right now. It’s bothering me that I don’t know how to combine all of these things in my life.
Together.
Right now.
I don’t want to come off like I am too good to do things. Or too good for certain people. I’m not. I am not any better than anyone else. If you go to bars. Awesome for you. If you are totally against it, that’s cool too. It could be anything, I am talking about the way people perceive me to be.

The perception that I give people of myself matters to me. It always has.

I want to be seen as the leader of my team. I want to be seen as a person of high integrity. I have morals and values. I am a good mom.

That is what I want to portray.

It was brought to my attention (I already knew it) during a conversation today that when I check in at certain places on Facebook; like a bar for example, it looks bad.
Well, not bad but not the best. People aren’t thinking that I am sitting there drinking water. I’m not, so that would be accurate; but I’m not drinking from the pitcher or chugging beers like a frat boy either. I am a single, 33 year old woman out with friends enjoying myself. I’m not getting drunk, falling off my stool.

No one knows that though. All they know is that I’m there. At a bar.

By the way, it wasn’t a judgmental conversation – it was a good talk with a great friend. One that I can always count on to call me out. Help redirect me when I’m facing the wrong way.
It just got me thinking…

Is that the image that I want to portray?

I’m not hung up on what people think anymore. I can’t be. I am living my life the best I can. I am learning as I go. I haven’t ever been here before though and I don’t want to go backwards.

Forward. I have to move forward.

I’m not hung up on what people think, but I am hung up on being successful.
I want it. Bad. I want to succeed. I want my kids to say “that’s my mom.”
And let’s be honest, I want my ex to say “wow, she really did it.” I want to prove to everyone that didn’t think I could do it, that I could, I did. I want to be the one that encourages my team, my friends, to be more. I want them to say “she did it, I can too.” I want to be everything that my heart and soul feel like I can be.

I am so afraid of self-sabotaging.

I made the comment to a friend tonight that I’m not like “all of you” I’m not settled in a relationship or married and I don’t have the same kind of nights they do. When I said it I got tears in my eyes.

Why?

Because to portray what I want and to live how I want are not meshing right now. They don’t go together. Oil and water.

I wanted to be on the couch with my love watching a movie. I didn’t want to be out unless I was with him. I love going out. I didn’t because I wanted to be with him. That didn’t work out for me though. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be single at 33. I wanted to live happily ever after or as close to it as possible with my family.

But there was a different plan for me. I am embracing it. The best that I can.

I have fun. Right now I guess I feel bad for having fun. Like maybe I am doing it again; self-sabotage. I have that down if anyone needs help with that. I am very good at it.

I have to figure out what I want to do. It’s my life. Maybe I don’t announce to all of social media where I am or what I am doing. Maybe I stop going. I don’t really know right now. It’s a whole new life for me. I’m learning as I go.

What I do know is that I never, ever thought I would be in this place at 33. Whatever you call this place. Whatever it is. I didn’t want to be here.

I am here though so I am embracing it and making the most of it. I am learning a lot about myself and I am being real. Honest. I have nothing to hide. I am a work in progress. Healing, learning, growing. I will figure it out.
I will be successful. I will make the right choices. Maybe not all of the time, not the first time but I will eventually get it.

I don’t know if I will ever be on the couch with “my love” watching a movie. Maybe I will name my next dog “my love.” Whatever…

This life is not normal and I am OK with that. I don’t even know what normal is anymore. I know I will end up where I am supposed to end up and the people that are meant to be there will be there. Wherever and whoever that may be.

A lot has happened but that doesn’t mean it’s over.

-S

PS – Thank you friend for making me think. Calling me out. I trust that you will always do that for me like I will for you. Thank you for that title too… You should copyright it ASAP!

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