This Isn’t Just Any Purse…

My cute black bag I carry around is more than just a purse.

Let me give you some history.

I had a Coach purse that my ex bought me on my 23rd birthday.
That’s 10 years ago. (Whoa!)
I carried it around every day ever since. It was always with me. Even if it was tucked inside my big Thirty-One bag for work, it was with me.

I wanted it so badly. We didn’t have the money but he found a way to get it for me. It was the only “big” gift he ever got me. Except for my black leather jacket. I still have that thing…

I never wanted much. I never needed material things. So I don’t say “it was the only big gift he ever got me” in a sad, pity me way. I just mean it was a big deal for us. It was special to me. One of the things he really did good for me.

I still don’t focus on material things. I prefer a sweet note over flowers. A single daisy over a $50 bunch. It’s the thought with me, not the “thing.”

I am a girl though. A girl that likes nice things. If I could buy them all the time and not worry about cost, I would. I love nice shoes and bags. Love them. But I love my kids more. They need things. My house. It needs things. I usually fall at the bottom of that list.

I’m OK with that.

We never made lists for each other for Christmas or birthdays or any of that stuff. I’m not knocking it, I’m just saying we didn’t do it.

So you can see why the Coach purse on my 23rd birthday was a big deal. And it was a Coach purse! I loved it.

Ten years later a lot has changed. I have changed.

I love nice bags. I dream of walking into Prada and buying whatever purse and shoes I want.

I will one day.

For now though, for now, I was at the mall and I saw a black bag. Coach bag. Big Coach bag. Big beautiful, black leather Coach bag.

I love it!

I walked away.

My daughter was all over me. Mom just get it. Get it. You know you want it.

Oh Em Gee I want it so bad! But I don’t spend money like that on myself. I just don’t.

But Mom you have gift cards. Yes, that part was very true.
We were in Macy’s and I had gift cards.
The kids might need something soon though or I might need a blender or a pillow or something soon.
Right?
I can’t spend the gift cards that were bought for me on me?

That is just crazy talk…

So we left.

On our third trip in three weeks to Macy’s I finally asked to hold it. My daughter smiling big.
The lady unlocked it and I put it on my shoulder.

We walked out again.

I got on a call with two of my best friends and I mentioned that we were at the mall again. One of my friends said “again?” I told her about the gift cards and that I was in love with a Coach bag but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t spend that on myself. They both said they weren’t speaking to me again unless I bought it.

Obviously that wasn’t true but it was a testament to the fact that I did deserve that bag. They both know how I am. They know I would be totally spoiled if I could be. But I’m not because I never could be, I never was.

I don’t tell people what I want or what I like. I feel bad accepting gifts.

Of course I would love to be spoiled but I would also feel kind of guilty.

I know, it makes no sense to me either…

I started thinking though; if I wasn’t going to take care of me and spoil me a little bit, right now who was going too? No One. That’s who. I hadn’t gotten a nice bag in ten years. Ten.

We went back to Macy’s.

Now my daughter just thinks I’m crazy I’m sure but she didn’t say anything except “Mom, you deserve the bag. Get the stupid bag.”

I felt like I was going to hyperventilate or maybe break out in hives but I got the bag.

We got to the car and I had tears in my eyes. It might be just a purse to some people but to me it was a big deal.

It was the end of my “old Coach purse” which represented a huge part of my life. A huge part.
That purse went everywhere with me. It went inside diaper bags and business bags. It sat beside me in my first SUV. Hung on my arm while I held my husbands hand, carried my babies, pushed them in strollers and shopping carts. It got in car accidents, went to funerals, our court hearings.
I can see it right now, hanging on my closet door.
A reminder of my marriage. Of him. Of our life. My life back then. Of so much.

My new Coach bag is different. Bigger. The leather is finer. It has room for so much more. It was more expensive. Better. Classier. Nicer. More sophisticated.
Like the next ten years of my life will be.

I still can’t really believe I bought it. Like at all; but I love it. I love love love it. It’s beautiful. It’s perfect and the best part is that I bought it myself. For myself. I used some gift cards but I used them on me. That’s a big deal. For me it’s a huge deal!

To you it looks like just a big black purse. To some people it looks like a big black Coach purse and they can appreciate that in itself. To me, it represents a lot more. A change in myself. A change in my life. In my status. In my thinking.

It’s so much more than just a purse.

-S

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