Just Call Me Scaredy Cat

I’m not scared.
I don’t think.
Maybe I am.
I don’t know.

I thought I wanted it so bad. I thought that I wanted another committed, long term relationship. I thought that was what I wanted because that was what I had.

I haven’t been alone, like totally alone in half my lifetime.

Ouch. I feel old right now!

I didn’t realize how badly I needed to be alone until I was forced into it. I didn’t realize how dependent I was on someone else. On having someone else there. To help me. To “save” me.

I had no idea.

I literally sat in the middle of my floor and cried and cried.
How will I do this?
How am I going to do this?
I can’t do this.
I CAN”T!! I CAN’T!! I CANNOT!!!

I am.
I am doing it and I am getting better at it every day.
We know that now for sure. For sure.

I felt like I was missing something. I wanted to cuddle with someone. To have someone hug me. Ask how my day was. Wash the dishes while I dry. Say I love you before he hangs up the phone.

You get the idea…

So I found someone. Kinda. They served that purpose. That sounds bad I know… It’s the truth though.
The more he was around the more I wanted him to go away. I wanted to lay in the middle of my bed. Like a sheet angel. If I felt like it. If I wanted the whole blanket then I wanted the whole blanket. It was my blanket. I didn’t want to cook for him every night. I didn’t want to.

My best friend says that it was because he “wasn’t the one.” That if he were I would have wanted to share my blanket every night. I would have looked forward to cooking for him. I think she might be right. He wasn’t the one.

So when I talk to a guy that I think might be “the one” or at least a candidate, why does it seem like I push him away? I don’t do it on purpose.

I promise.

I start out so excited. So happy. Giddy like a little kid.

Then it progresses and I don’t know what happens.

I don’t know if it’s because I start finding things wrong with him. Anything. Little or big. It doesn’t matter. I just start looking for things.
I don’t know if it’s because deep down I’m not over past stuff.
Or maybe, just maybe I’m afraid?
Afraid of getting hurt again. Afraid of my kids getting attached and therefore getting hurt again. Of losing my newfound independence. Afraid of forgetting about me again. Do I have time for someone else? If I want to give it 100%, which I would… Can I right now? Would I change me again for you? I finally like me. I don’t want to change for you.

I feel like I want it but then I don’t.
Does that mean I’m not ready?
Again, my best friend says it’s because I haven’t found the right one.
I think she’s right. Again.

I have a way of living my life right now. It’s selfish to expect someone to change their life to be a part of mine. But right now I am being selfish. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe I am missing out on something amazing. But if it’s meant to be it will work out right? I haven’t had this “me” time in years and I’m not really ready to give it up.

I’m having fun. I’m meeting new people and I’m enjoying it. A lot.

I hate being alone. Right?

I don’t think so. Not anymore. I think I like it.

I do miss some stuff. I don’t like sitting at softball without someone.
When I’m cold I want someone to snuggle with. I bought more pillows for my bed but it isn’t really the same thing. Not really.

I think when I find the right one I will know. They can be them and I can be me and we will both love it. Kids included.

Maybe I have found him and lost him. I don’t know. This is one part of my life that I feel totally clueless on. I am being picky. I can be. I need it to be right this time. I don’t want to grow old alone. I don’t know if I want to get married again but I know I don’t want to be alone forever. For now though? It might be ok.

-S

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