There are moments that I have where I almost feel like I’m looking in on my own life from the outside.
I don’t know if that makes sense to you or not.
It’s almost like it’s happening and I’m thinking is this really happening?
I knew there was a reason he wanted me to take the kids. He has been way to insistent on me going there to drop them. Our papers state I don’t have too; my gut told me not too. Begged me really.
Yet here I am. On these roads.
Is it really these roads?
You have got to be kidding me.
I’m driving and feeling my whole body slump down slowly. I can feel the color draining from my face. My heart is starting to hurt.
Oh no. Not the tears. Please no.
If I have to make a right turn right here I’m going to lose it.
Damn you GPS.
Turn right in 300 feet.
“Mommy are you ok?”
“Yes. Just thinking.”
Snap out of it S. It’s not a big deal.
Why is this hitting me so hard!?
Now I’m mad.
I’m mad at him.
No I’m not. I’m mad at myself.
Yep. This is the place. Wow. Unbelievable.
In the driveway. Her kids. Playing. This is really happening. This house. This neighborhood. I’m gonna be sick.
I said my goodbyes. Gave my babies hugs and kisses.
I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.
My head was spinning. I felt like I was going to be sick.
Why? Really? Seriously?
If I would’ve given in and said yes, let’s make the kids change schools. Would things be different? It doesn’t matter.
I don’t want them to be… It’s just the point. The fact that he would do that. I’m sure she has no idea. Poor thing.
I don’t get upset or cry over him. It’s not him. It’s the life that I thought we had. Thought. It wasn’t real. It angers me. Angers me that he literally picked up from one life and dropped into another. It’s so frustrating.
I don’t even know him. That’s not who I knew. The man I loved didn’t exist. He was in my mind. My head. That’s so painful. That’s the part that hurts. How do you live with someone, everyday, for years and never really know them? That’s crazy. Just crazy.
10 years we drove those roads. Every weekend.
My GPS took me again.
Just when I think there can’t be anything else. Nothing new. Just when I think I have dealt with it all.
This was just yet another reminder of why I am on this journey. This new life.
Unbelievable yet so predictable.
I’m sad. I’m mad. I’m disgusted. I’ll be fine though. I’m not the one that’s living there.