Check Yes or No

My son came home with a note yesterday.
Do you like me? Check yes or no.
Do you think I’m pretty? Check yes or no.

“Mommy I don’t like her and I don’t think she’s pretty but it’s mean to check no.” He said.

God I love my baby. He is so sweet. So loving and compassionate. He thinks about everyone’s feelings and wants us all to be happy. He doesn’t like causing waves or rifts.

Even at his own expense.

He’s just like me. Poor kid.

I love that he is so kind. So caring. So thoughtful.

I kinda hate it too though.

All my friends tell me I’m gullible. Naïve. I let people walk all over me.
It’s true. I have a very hard time sticking up for myself or telling people no.

Especially if it will hurt their feelings.

My son is the same way. He once had a little girlfriend, he didn’t like her at all but he felt so bad for her when she asked him that he said yes.
Of course as his mom I told him to tell her no.
Stick up for yourself.
You don’t have to do what she wants!
You need to worry about YOU not everyone else.

My other two – total opposite. They don’t care. If it’s how they feel and you asked them, they will tell you. Straight up. No reserves whatsoever. You asked. If you didn’t want to know you shouldn’t have asked the question.

I don’t agree with hurting other peoples feelings.
I don’t agree with putting yourself last though either.

My answer to my son was this:

It will hurt her feelings more if you tell her you never really liked her later. It will hurt her feelings now, of course. But I would rather know now than after I started liking someone even more.
There are two questions on that little note.
Each one requires a check mark.
You telling her you like her means you want to be her boyfriend and you don’t. So for that you would be hurting both of you by being polite. So check no.
The second question is do you think I’m pretty? If you tell her yes, she will be happy. She will feel good about herself and you aren’t hurting yourself in any way. If you tell her no, she will be sad. She will feel ugly. You will feel mean. So you can tell her you think she is pretty. There is nothing to be hurt by checking yes for that question.

Sometimes we have to figure out what is really at stake here. Are we helping anything by being so nice all the time? Or are we hurting things more by not being totally honest?

Little lessons. All around us.

I am learning to say no more. Just say it. I am not interested. I don’t like that. I don’t want to go there.

No. No. No.

For some people that comes easily. For others, not so much.
It’s a constant battle with your conscience.
Doing the right thing VS what’s best for you.

You. Not them.

When I stop and really think about that though, I realize it’s usually the same thing. What’s best for you is usually the right thing. It might not seem like it at the moment but it is.

Checking yes to spare feelings being hurt now is only prolonging the inevitable.
Feelings will be hurt eventually.
Like pulling a bandaid off fast – the hairs are going to rip out

He wrote her a note.
He said Dear A,
I don’t like you as a girlfriend. I do think you’re very pretty. I’m glad we are friends.

She told her friends he thought she was pretty.

I love my baby boy. So sweet. So kind and thoughtful.

Honest.

Sometimes I think when I grow up I want to be just like them.

-S

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