Crystal Ball

I don’t have a crystal ball. Sometimes I wish I did. Not necessarily for myself but for my girlfriends.

I am learning to take thing as they come. It isn’t always easy, we’ve established that. But the “things” that I go through are what fuels me to keep going, to write, to share so that you realize you will be ok.

You will make it.

I do wish that I could make you see that things will get better. They will get easier. I wish that I could show you a crystal ball and give you visible proof that this will not kill you. You will make it.

But I can’t.

All I can do is tell you.

Tell you that I promise I know how it feels to be going through what you are. I promise I know how it hurts so deep you feel like you can’t breathe. The pain is so hard to describe. I can see it in your eyes; I know you feel the same way I did.

Did.

I know it feels like the pain won’t ever stop. I don’t know that it will go completely away honestly. It does get more bearable though. It does come on less frequently.

You will still get tears in your eyes. You will still hurt when you see him with her. You will lay at night in the dark when the kids are with him and you won’t be able to help but cry. Mourn your loss. Mourn your old life.

How could you not?

It will go from being every night to once a week. From once a week to once a month. Once a month to where you can’t remember the last time it happened.

You will realize that you aren’t mourning the loss of “him”. But the loss of your life. The loss of your family.

Then you will realize it isn’t really gone.

Just different.

You will realize that your kids are going to make it too. You might be broken right now but you were broken together too. Your kids will realize they are getting the best version of Mommy that they can now. Yes, you are exhausted and stressed; but it isn’t the same type of exhaustion or stress. They won’t miss the eye rolling or the deep sighs you were exchanging with him. They will look forward to time with him and to time with you.

It will be an adventure.

It will be what you make it to be. You’re a wonderful mom so you will make it amazing. The kids will be ok.

You will start to remember why things turned out the way they did. You will see him with her and you will almost feel bad that she has to put up with it all. You will feel stronger. More secure. Happy even. You will realize that you don’t need him to survive. You can complete you. Finding a man should only enhance your life. You will finally realize you don’t need to settle. You can change the light bulbs and cut the grass yourself. You can paint your house. However you want.

It takes time. It does. You have to go at your own pace. You have to deal with things as they come. I know you want to fix it all now. You have to accept the fact that you can’t. You can’t fix him. You never could.

That’s ok too.

You can fix you. You can make yourself grow from this, learn from this. Use it as a starting point. You are still alive, still breathing so be more from this moment on.

I believe in you. I believe you are strong. You can be happy. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You can get there. I know in my heart and with all that I have you can.

For now, feel the pain. Don’t try to disguise it or hide it. Don’t bury it deep down. You have to deal with it. It will resurface later if you don’t. You don’t want that. You want to deal with it now so that you can move on. Cry. Scream. Hit something. Do what you need to do to deal with it. Feel it. Deep inside. Allow your body, heart and soul to feel the pain, the loss.

Take a deep breath.

Call me and let’s go have a girls night.

-S

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