Expectations

We all have expectations. Sometimes they’re high. Sometimes low. Can they be both? At the same time?

We expect certain things even when we don’t realize it.

It’s in our mind.

How do we expect this to play out?

How do I expect this to go?

To start? To end?

Sometimes these expectations are based off of previous experiences.

Have you let me down before? I expect you to do it again.
Did you lie to me? I expect lies when you speak.

Do things typically work out a certain way? We generally expect the same outcome as the previous time.

When we’re used to being let down it’s not a big surprise when it happens again.

When we are used to being played….

Well. You get the idea.

I don’t know what I expected. I don’t know if I suspected the outcome would be like this or if I’m caught off guard by all of it.

I think I had certain expectations. Specific things that I knew ahead of time would happen. Just by going with my gut.

I caught a glimpse of what I want. Of what I deserve. Of what being treated like a princess feels like and I won’t settle for less. That’s just the way it is. I felt how I wanted to be treated. Less won’t be ok. It’s not even an option anymore.

I have also felt what it was like to be ignored. To be second. To be taken for granted.

I can’t do it again.

It’s a joke that I will always try one more time, take them back again just once more. It annoys me but it’s true. That’s how I am. I give everyone multiple chances. Over and over again. And again. I have always been that way. Everyone deserves a second chance. Not a third though S. Not a fourth. Or fifth.

I don’t laugh at this joke anymore. It’s not funny to me. Like at all. I am so disgusted with settling for less than I deserve. Seriously the thought makes me ill.

So there I am with my expectations. High and low.

I’m happy. Smiley. Giddy. Excited. Whatever.

I know better. I do. I know not to fall. I know not to, but I do.

I fall. Head first. Splat.

Been there before, done that. So I know how to scrape myself back up. I know how to move past it. I know how to get over it.

It still surprises me though, how I can have expectations; high, low or otherwise and the outcome still catches me off guard. I blame myself. I analyze everything. I try to play it out in my mind before it happens. Will this be different? Will things be different this time? Is this a good situation? I’m not saying it changes how I respond or stops me from doing something I know I shouldn’t… But I do analyze everything. I drive my friends nuts!

My expectations are low. A lot lower than they should be. I think I have been disappointed so much that I just expect things will end bad. Or not the way I want them too.

I don’t mean that to sound like I want you to have a pity party for me. I’m not complaining about it. I am just stating that my personal bar is set high, higher than anyone I have met is willing to jump (so far). So when they can barely touch the bar when they jump, from their tippy toes, not even with the tip of their fingers if they have their arms extended up as high as they could possibly go – I get a little bummed but I expected it.

The ones that are fun are irresponsible. The responsible ones are really boring. I’m not settling.

Actually, as time goes on the bar gets even higher. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever be able to reach it.

My expectations are low but my expectations are high.

So they can be both. Expect the worst – hope for the best? No. How about starting over with a fresh set of eyes with each experience? I think that is what needs to happen. Based on previous experiences my expectations are low. Based on previous experiences and learning from those experiences, my expectations are high. Getting higher. Seriously. By the day.

Don’t settle. No one should have too. We all deserve to be happy. Over the moon happy. If we aren’t, move on. Expect the best and get better. We have all been let down. Some more than others. We all wanted to see the good, the better in someone. You can’t change people though. You shouldn’t want too. If you have to change the person then that isn’t the person for you. The person for you should come ready to go, no changes needed or desired.

Set the bar high. If they want to be in your life they will rise up to meet it. Or take a cab to come see you. Or bring you cough drops when you’re sick. Just sayin.

-S

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