Dream House

I thought I had met my soulmate. That was it. No more looking. We were perfect for each other and we would live happily ever after in our Dream House. Our Dream House was a part of our 10 year plan. We had a plan. We had a plan together.

Until he said he “didn’t have romantic feelings for me” anymore. Ouch. But we were going to have our Dream House. I wanted it on Nickajack lake and he said ok. We were going to design it and have room for our kids and their kids and it was just gonna be perfect. I never stopped to think it might not actually happen. And if it didn’t how would I feel?

When you’re told that someone doesn’t want a relationship or doesn’t want anything serious, then they end up with just that right after you… That’s tough. That stings. Bad. It really hurts. Your heart aches. Your mind is dumbfounded. What just happened!?

I have been the friend, the rebound, the one he calls when his girlfriend’s busy. We won’t even mention the married men that are just positive we’d be happy together.

I settle for it. I don’t know why. One of the things I’ve learned over the past year has been that for whatever reason I don’t feel like I deserve anything good, I don’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know why.

I’m the girl that your Mr Perfect is with before you meet him. I’m the one that dates him or even falls in love with him before he finds the one he is going to fall in love with. It’s just the way it works.

I was on a date recently and the guy was talking about his ex. He walked me through his entire marriage from start to finish. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re having that kind of conversation. It’s a part of his past, of his life, so of course it’s going to come up. But you could tell he wasn’t really over it. He was very passionate about what she did to hurt him and how he had settled. He didn’t know why she was that way… At the end he said “I don’t know, maybe I deserved it.” What!? Two things. First, if you deserved it then why are you telling me about it? Why go on and on if you deserved it?? Did you cheat all the time? Were you abusive? There are only a few reasons why you would deserve to be treated badly and none of them would I think you should share on a first date… Second, no one deserves to be made to feel that horrible. (Unless it’s one of the reasons I mentioned) If she made you feel that bad you should’ve done something about it. She left him though. She left him. He loved her and tried his hardest but she left him.

I had a moment.

Of course she left him. Confidence is appealing. Self esteem is attractive. You only want to help someone feel better about themselves for so long, they need to try also. It gets exhausting. If you can’t be happy with yourself how do you expect anyone else to be happy with you? You can’t.

I haven’t been anyone’s #1 because I wasn’t even my own. I was settling for things because I chose too. They didn’t choose me because I didn’t choose me. I allowed them to decide what I deserved and what I didn’t deserve. I gave the power to everyone else.

I get to decide who is a part of my life and who isn’t. If you want to be with me there are a few requirements.

It’s a completely mind blowing thing once you figure it out. You teach people how to treat you. If you don’t love you why would someone else?

It’s not like my mom didn’t teach me that or my friends didn’t tell me. I tell my daughter that all the time. I didn’t get it myself though; like so many other things, I didn’t apply what I preach to my own life. Don’t ask me why.

My Dream House might be built with my soulmate one day if I meet him. If not, it’ll be exactly how I want it to be. I don’t need anyone else to include me in their 10 year plan because I have my own. My Dream House on Nickajack Lake is going to be amazing!

-S
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