Moving On

At some point you have to get over it. I don’t mean forget about it. I mean get over it. Like realize it happened, it’s over, it’s done. You can’t go back and change anything. You can’t take back the words you said or the actions you took. You can’t. So just stop. Stop thinking about it, stop talking about it. You just have too.

If you don’t stop it will consume your every move. Your every breath. Every relationship you start. Every conversation you have.

No – I am not exaggerating. I am serious. Very serious.

You have to deal with the pain. You have to go through the steps. You have to grieve. You have too. If you don’t then it just won’t ever be possible to move on.

I’m obviously talking about past relationships. It doesn’t have to be your ex-spouse. It might be a boy or girlfriend or a fiancé, the mother or father of your children, your first love. Whatever.

We all have baggage. Baggage – that is such a negative sounding word. I don’t think it’s always bad though. Baggage makes us who we are. When we start a relationship we should just assume the person has some baggage because if you are alive, you have dealt with hardships. We really just need to decide if we care enough about them to accept that baggage. To help them dig through it if they need too. To stand by their side when they are dealing with their so called baggage.

We need to deal with our baggage ourselves, in our own way but at some point we have to wipe our hands clean and say “OK, I have got to live again.” You deserve to live again. We all do. The loss didn’t kill us. There were times when it felt like it might. I know. But it didn’t.

I was very bitter. Why did He find someone to replace me so fast? Why am I alone? What is so special about Her and her kids that He can give them 100% and not me/us? Really though, who cares? The fact is we weren’t happy, things didn’t work for us. Again, no bashing from me on here. I would do things very differently if I could go back. But I can’t. So maybe He is happier now with Her and her kids. Maybe it’s ok that He doesn’t see our kids as much as He sees Hers. Maybe He is hurt, maybe He is sad. Maybe He has regrets. I don’t know. I probably won’t ever know. And that is totally fine. My life will go on. My kids lives will go on and it is my job to make sure they are lived as happily as possible. My job is not to worry about His feelings.

If I wait around for answers to the questions that I have, I will never be happy. Every new relationship will be pre-judged because I was hurt and I just can’t go through that again. I just can’t feel that loss again. That’s like saying I lost my Grandpa when he died, I’m not going to love my Grandma anymore because I can’t deal with another loss like that. Yes I can and I will. I will love. I will love knowing there is a possibility of losing. That’s life.

I have taken my anger and my bitterness out on the wrong people. I snapped at my mom or my friend because He just made me so angry. I blamed other people for His actions without even realizing I was doing it. I was letting something that was over. Very over, dictate things that were very much real and alive and present in my life. That isn’t ok.

You have to deal with the emotions somehow. We’re all different. I needed to cry so hard I got sick. I needed to scream. I needed to write and to dance and to run. Fast. I had to get the anger out. The resentment. It was taking over me and my life, inside and out. I had lost myself during my marriage but I was losing myself even more through the divorce. There were mornings that to crawl out of bed felt like I had just been beaten with a sledgehammer and couldn’t move. Like every limb had been snapped in half. I had to keep moving though. I had too. Not just for me but because my kids needed me back. They needed their mom, I needed S to be alive again.

Slowly. It happens very slowly. For me anyway. I don’t talk about Him or any of our issues that we have now or that we had then. If I talk to you about it, you are either a very close friend or you asked me a question. It used to be all I talked about. It was the start of my conversations with everyone. It was always on my mind, all I thought about. How could I ever live again if I was stuck in that moment of my life? I had to stop. Enough was enough. Time to move on. Time to forgive, time to heal. Work in progress. It still hurts. I still get a tear in my eye when I think of what we caused our kids. At the thought of not having certain things. It sucks. I know. And I know what I am telling you to do might seem mean or even impossible. But I promise you that when you stop letting it consume you, you start to heal. It just happens.

My divorce does not define me. The breaking of my marriage happened. I can’t deny that. It was a failure. When we fail though, we get two choices, start over or let it destroy us. If you don’t get over it, you will let it destroy you. Not only you but the people around you that you would never, ever purposely hurt. You will hurt them. I don’t mean forget it. I will never forget any of what we have been through. Ever. But I choose to let it be a part of my story. One chapter in the Book Of S.

-S

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