My Mistake

I made a mistake. Or I met a mistake. Or maybe I liked a mistake? I don’t know what it is. I know it was all a mistake though.

I knew he was a mistake from the beginning. I did. So did everyone who knew about him. So many signs, big red lights, neon lights too, all flashing at me with people screaming STOP – STOP – STOP, jumping up and down holding flashers! But I don’t listen very well. I have to make the mistake myself. Sometimes I make it over and over again just to make sure. Then of course I’m slamming my head against the wall because I knew better! I knew it! Ugh!!

He was so much fun. I laughed and laughed. The smiles never went away. Unless I was crying. Which eventually was happening just as much as the smiling. He was bad for me. I knew nothing would come of it, it was just fun. And what was wrong with fun if it wasn’t hurting my kids and I was ok? Well kind of ok anyway.

I think we have to make mistakes. If we don’t make mistakes how will we know when we finally get it right?

I was tired of the seriousness of life. Exhausted really. I needed a little break. A hiatus. Just a short one. I just had the breakup of my marriage followed by the loss of my best friend. (read Label Us) It was all so serious. Seriously exhausting. I needed fun. Badly. My Mistake was there for me. I knew there was a risk of heartache but I honestly didn’t care at the time. I know it might sound silly to you. I get that. But I needed to do something to get out of my routine, my comfort zone. To feel free I guess? I needed to have some time to not think. With My Mistake I was able to do that. No thinking required. He was just fun.

Fun doesn’t last forever though especially when that’s all it is. Things come up that you need to be serious about, we’re adults. He wasn’t that type. No serious conversations. No commitments. Not with me anyway. Take it as it came. Obviously that isn’t enough for very long. I’m not that type. Not long term anyway. I want more, I deserve more. I knew it wouldn’t be with or from him. So that was that. That mistake was over. Phase complete. Hiatus ended.

I was sad. It hurt. I cried some. It wasn’t a discussion or a disagreement, no fights or anything. It just happened with time. I was no longer available when he was. We still talk. Every day. I don’t regret My Mistake. Not one bit. He kept me busy when the kids were gone. He taught me a lot about myself. A lot. I want him to be happy. He will always be a friend of mine. Always in my heart. He has played a big role in my journey. My personal growth. In finding myself.

I have learned that mistakes are ok. Sometimes we need to make them. Sometimes they help us, they show us what we don’t want, what we wont settle for. They teach us lessons about ourselves. Mistakes aren’t bad unless you make them twice. Then it’s just stupid. Stupid can be fun, but it’s still stupid…

-S

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