Runnin on Fumes

Being a mom is hard work. Being a mom and a dad is just plain exhausting. I feel like I’m spinning my wheels and my car just isn’t moving. Like my gas tank has been on E for miles and miles and at any moment the things just gonna shut off on me. It’s one of those rides where the screen is zooming by really fast but your little cart thing is going super slow. That’s me. On the bright side, it’s moving.

Some nights throwing in the towel and running away seems like the only possible solution. I get tired. Tired of thinking, tired of yelling, tired of wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I can feel the wrinkles coming, the gray hairs growing out. Why does being a single mom have to be so hard? Why can’t I pick up the phone and have some help show up like it should? I don’t understand because I would drive to Canada if I needed too. No questions asked. My kids need me? I’m on my way. I don’t know, maybe a mothers love is different? My dad friends disagree, they say they’d be there in a second.
Sometimes it would just be nice to have someone say “listen to your mom” “mom loves you and that’s why she said that” Just give me a little back up. So here’s my next dilemma…

Does that mean I can’t do it alone? Does that mean that I need a man to help me? So I’m failing? I’m failing my kids?

Tonight has been hard. This whole weekend actually has been one for the Single Mama books. It gets so lonely and so damn difficult. Sometimes I reach out for help, I never get it though. Not from who I should anyway. Then I’m reminded that family isn’t always blood and the people that love us, that tell me what they think, they’re the ones I should reach out too for help. They’re always real with me. Even when it hurts. Because that’s a family. That’s love.

I’m getting there with the whole not worrying about what other people think thing but I’m not there yet. I told you I was a work in progress. I haven’t failed. I’m not going to fail. I’m human. I get weak. I get discouraged and sad and lots of times quitting and staying in my bed seems a lot better than being exposed as what feels like me being less than what I should be.

So am I failing because I can’t do it alone? No. God made it so kids had two parents for a reason. It’s hard work. If you can’t count on the other parent or partner or spouse or whatever the case; we have friends. We have family. Other people that really do love your children like you do, that want them to be happy and to succeed. Surround yourself with those people. Surround your kids with those people. And if you have to take a cell phone away while you’re at it that’s ok too

-S

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