How long is this tunnel?

As kids I think we have a picture of how we want our life to be or what we think it’ll be like. Mine changed a bunch of times growing up and then changed some more as an adult. I was going to be a dancer, teacher, a doctor, lawyer, writer, stay at home mommy. I loved playing MASH with my girlfriends; pick 3 houses, 3 cars, 3 boys, the number of kids you were going to have (was it 3?) The outcome: you’ll marry Billy, live in a mansion with 2 kids and drive a porche. Yes!!
Life obviously doesnt happen that way. The boys, the car, none if it. Life isn’t at all what we picture in our heads most of the time. I have a few friends that got their MASH but I’d bet they don’t live a dream either.

I spend nights thinking about what would’ve happened if, what could’ve happened if. Last night a friend said “sometimes life is just hard” and it is. Sometimes it just plain stinks. Sometimes it make zero sense. You’re not happy so you make a change to be happy. You’re still not happy. Maybe it’s not what you’re surrounded by, maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re not happy because you don’t like you. Maybe you did something that you can’t forgive yourself for. Maybe you don’t feel like you deserve anything more. Who knows what the case may be.

I always wanted normal. Normal to me was a husband, kids, a house. The kids played sports, we went on vacation, we had other couples with kids as friends, we would go to bbq’s, church and we would smile. Normal didn’t make me happy. Normal didn’t make my tummy feel like it does when the big drop comes on a roller coaster. Best feeling ever!
I have friends who live “normal” they don’t look too happy to me all the time.
Some do. But they found their happiness by taking a risk, a chance, switching things up. Not settling for it.

When you pray for more, ask for more, you have to be ready to get it. The way that it’s supposed to come. It won’t be like you picture it in your head. It’ll turn from a civil divorce to a nasty one, from an innocent talk to an affair, from he misses me to he’s happier with her, from Miss Independent to how will I pay rent? It won’t always be pretty. It’ll be dark. The walk will be long. But don’t you deserve it? Don’t you deserve to forgive yourself? Would you forgive someone who had done the same thing? I’m a very forgiving person. To other people. Not myself. I will apologize for something that I did 10 years ago. No one even remembers it because I’ve done so many things that have made that mistake fade away over time. And if they can’t forgive me, they don’t deserve me. They have issues they need to work through. That’s not my issue.

I’m not saying I’m super happy every day. Last night ended pretty hard for me. I cried myself to sleep. I’m getting there though, I’m a work in progress. I’m not there yet. My tunnel is very long. I feel like I’ve been walking for much longer than I should be. Each day is a step. But if I don’t take that step I won’t ever know what’s at the other end of the tunnel. I won’t ever know and I want to know. I need to know. So let’s walk. One foot in front of the other and we will get there. It won’t look how we expect it to though. It’ll look how it was meant too. I’m inclined to think it’ll be pretty damn beautiful.

-S

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