Pick Me

I have a pretty small, close knit group of friends these days. It’s gotten bigger over the past year but it’s still pretty small.

It’s good I think. You know who you can trust and you decide to limit the “friends” in your life to those people. There is a smaller chance of getting hurt.

Or is there?

When your group is smaller, if something happens, won’t you feel it more? Won’t the loss or the rejection be worse?

I think it’s a little of both. It depends on the group too. I think it also depends on what else you have in your life.

If that small group of friends is your world, super important to you; then yes, you are going to get hurt when you’re not invited or not included. Bad. It will suck. Royally.

So don’t put everything you have into that group? Is that the lesson here? I suppose it’s one of them.

As adults we don’t usually have as many friends as we did in school. Most are people we meet after school. If we ‘re lucky, we have some that we have known since school or since right after. Maybe people we can call and talk too that would be like “Oh ya, I remember him from middle school” and it just makes the conversation that much easier. They just get it. They just get you.

What happens if the person that gets you the most is a part of that small group though? What if circumstances change and your group can’t be your group like it was before? Things happen. People move, get married, find new friends. Things just happen.

When your whole world includes certain people it can get really cloudy when things change. Where do you stand? Why weren’t you invited? Why didn’t you tell me you were going to do that? Sounds kinda childish right? To an extent I suppose it is.

If you’re not living a life outside of your closest friends when you’re not asked, not invited, it hurts. It hurts to know they are living just fine without you being there. You question their loyalty. Of course you do. You invite them, shouldn’t they invite you?

Nope.

They are adults and can do whatever they want. If it hurts you and you’re tired of being hurt then do something about it. Make new friends, do more with your family, find a hobby. Don’t ever let your happiness depend on anyone other than yourself.

I’m lucky. I have a friend that invites me to everything. She checks on me every single day. Asks how I feel every single night. Makes sure I’m not feeling bad sitting at home alone. Even if it’s just to come sit on her couch, I know I’m always welcome. She is always concerned and is always there. She’s saved me from many nights of feeling left out. Of being all alone. When I find a partner, it’ll be very important that he get along with her and her husband. Very important. I won’t ever leave them out because they’ve always been there for me. I’m sure her husband is like “Oh please leave us out S!” HaHa!

I have another friend that I know will tell me like it is. She is fine letting me know I was stupid or that I’m not making good choices. We might not hang out as often as we used too but I know she’s there when I need her.

Sometimes it’s not a matter of losing friends. It’s realizing who really is a friend. If you can only talk at certain times or in certain situations. You’re probably not a true friend. If you get invited to certain functions but are left out of others, I don’t think that’s friendship. I don’t mean you have to invite everyone to everything. I’m not saying that at all.

I have a friend that we have a lunch date maybe once a month. We don’t hang out in between. It just isn’t what we do. She’s still a friend though. If I need to talk I can count on her and vice versa.

Sometimes you don’t completely lose the friendship but things change and you need to figure out the “new you” together, as friends.

Friendship to me means being there when you’re at your lowest. Anyone can go have fun with you; the real friends help you move, 3 times, cry with you, want to kill the guy that hurt you, try to save you from pain. They are always there. They don’t go away. They love you even after they see all your crazy.

I have a few. I’m fine with that. I know where I stand with most everyone. I know who will be there any time of day or night. I know who loves me and my kids. I know who has my back and who will stab it.

It’s taken me some time and it still stings but I don’t let the fact that I’m not included get me down. It used too. Bad. Now I just tuck the information away so that I can be at ease when it’s time for me to make decisions. Who will I help? Who will I choose? Who will I include? Because my time with you is precious. I’m a good friend and you’re blessed to have me. My happiness doesn’t depend on you. Not anymore.

-S

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